The Future is Female...?

I had the awesome privilege of getting to go to the Women in Camp Summit in Chicago this past week... I spoke on what "the future is female" means for the camping industry... That reflection is below.

Almost exactly 2 years ago, I shaved my head as a part of a fundraiser for St. Baldricks. They support childhood cancer research. I never really realized that my hair was so connected to my femininity. It makes sense now, but I guess I had just assumed I was immune to feeling insecure about my femininity. But soon, I fell into being self-conscious about it. I had to have earrings in, or a bow in my hair.

But one day, I just decided that I didn't want that anymore. I realized that femininity meant more than looks. I have fun dressing up and looking nice, but it's more than that.

What makes you feminine isn't about your hair or clothes... So what is it?

Take a second to think about the first messages you received about being feminine. I think of playing with Barbies, and wearing really uncomfortable stockings every Sunday to church.

These messages are all things we've been told are feminine. I bed a lot of the people who told you those things are a lot like we are now... Moms, mentors, friends... They all shape our view of femininity. I'm not attaching value to the things we've been told about femininity... They're not good or bad. They just got us to where we are. I just wanted us to recognize those messages are there.

So we've talked about what we've been told about femininity... But I'd like to propose what I believe we should believe about femininity.

The phrase "The future is female" can we super inspiring, right? It conjures up the image of women leading the way, blazing paths, being frontrunners in all sorts of fields... These are all things I definitely want... But I think the phrase leaves out a key part of womanhood/femininity: inclusion. Now, I'm not saying "what about men?" I'm saying that when I think of the future being female, I feel a little sad. What about the people we're forgetting? What about those who don't identify as female, but also don't identify as male? I think people who claim that "the future is female"  also can forget people of color, people with special needs, and other marginalized people.

This summer, I kind of realized that the future being female ultimately means the future being completely inclusive. No one gets forgotten, or left behind. The future being female means that everyone's voices are heard, and everyone has a seat at the table.

My friend Jess is a kick ass mom to two daughters. Her girls rock sparkles, ride their bikes, read TONS, and love climbing mountains. One time, I was at their house helping Jess tuck the girls in before we broke out the wine. I was leaning over her youngest to kiss her head and she grabbed my face and felt the little hairs on my chin. "Why do you have whiskers? I thought only boys had those. You're like Uncle Brother!" I chuckled and shrugged and said that sometimes women get hair on their faces, and that it's not a big deal. Sammy just said "oh cool" and wrapped her arms around my neck for a hug.

That was the moment I realized that it was my job now to teach girls - friends' daughters, campers, and maybe my own girls someday - what it means to be feminine. It means making sure that everyone has a place at the table.

So how do we do this at camp? How do we make sure that everyone has a voice and are represented?

1. We ask HARD questions and don't fear the answers. Inclusivity is hard work. We need to dive deep into our organizations to see where we can be more inclusive. This may mean having some uncomfy talks - but inclusivity is worth it.

2. We need to look around and find out who's not at our table and then we need to go to them.

3. We need to listen. We've heard this a lot, but we're not going to get far with inclusivity if we don't listen.

The future being female means inclusion. But it also means extreme empathy.

For a short time of my life, I worked at a crisis hotline. We were part of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and a back up center for the Veterans Crisis Line. This was how I learned true empathy. When you're talking with someone who feels so hopeless that they're ready to take their own life, empathy becomes a lifesaving tool. So how do we bring extreme empathy to camp?

1. We train ourselves and staff in active listening. We open our body language, and we learn how to make others feel heard. We put ourselves in others' shoes.

Peg Smith (our speaker the first night) spoke with us about how the past of camping was female. I believe that the future of camping is also female. But this means that it's also nonbinary. Camp's future is multi-racial, multi-cultural, interfaith, and includes and embraces the whole LGBT community. Camp's future is all of this because camp's future is female.

When I was a little girl, the thing that attracted me to camp was that it was an equalizer. My counselors would learn with us, and I would learn from other campers. We all came as we were, and were part of something so unique and special and magical that it would never be created exactly the same again. Now, I get to help create that experience for campers and staff.

This week, I am recommitting to inclusion and empathy. I commit to making them part of my everyday life and work.

I hope you'll join me... Because camp's future is truly female.

Camp's future is us!

Care for the Earth

I wrote this reflection to give after mass as part of a series of reflections.


When I was little, my family would drive an hour and a half to drop my older sister off for a week of summer camp. I was not old enough to stay, and I would routinely break down begging my parents to let me stay. There I was, having a breakdown, begging to stay... while other already homesick campers were begging to leave.

I loved the atmosphere - the way the cabins felt like you were inside just enough. The way the pool was in the middle of a field, and a young girl could imagine it was a water hole somewhere exotic. I loved the freedom that is woven into the place so that everyone has the time to stop and observe a new bug.

When I was finally able to attend, my new best friend and I found a baby bird. We wanted so badly to keep it in our cabin, but we had to give Chirpy to the nature specialist. We visited him everyday.

The years went by and I spent more and more of my summers discovering the special corners of camp. I learned about the buts, the trees, and even the stars on the special occasions we could stay up late.

But what I learned most in my almost 18 summers at camp is that God is in nature. God is in the huge 200 year old oak tree watching over the camp at the edge of the property. God is in the mud of the creek that sometimes eats your shoes. God is in the bunny that patiently lets kids get too close before running away. God is in the steadiness of a friend's hand as you cross a log over the creek.

People sometimes ask me why I am passionate about combating climate change, or why I love recycling, or why I get angry when people brush off the realities of the state of our earth. It's because through nature, I found God. Through the worst times of my life, I could go outside and feel the still, small whisper of God's love in the wind.

This is my challenge to you: Allow God to meet you in nature. Find a spot where you believe 100% in God because of the sights you see or the things you feel. Love the Earth like you love God because the Earth is one of the major ways God meets us and loves us!

Uncharted Territory

Uncharted territory conjours up visions of new beginnings, starting over, and grand adventures.

But what happens when the uncharted territory becomes the norm?
When you start over so many times so close to each other that starting over becomes second nature?

What does uncharted territory mean when the cartography of your past five years looks like blank spaces, question marks, and goodbyes?

The best answer I have is to cling to the things of life that will always be charted...

A few friends.
Your family.
The feelings of being invested in a place.
Belly laughs.
The bittersweet feeling of goodbye.
And the crisp sound of the page turning sometimes too quickly and the anticipation of what or who waits for you in the next chapter.

Voting is still a privilege... Even if it shouldn't be.

In the summer of 2013, I had just graduated college. I went to a small, private, Christian, conservative college in the suburbs of Rochester, NY. Before that, I went to a small, conservative high school in a rural town only 40 minutes outside Rochester. Needless to say, I had not experienced much diversity. The summer after I graduated college, I still had a few degree requirements to finish up, including a full time internship. I was placed in a program for teenage parents in Rochester and Monroe County. After a few weeks of being there, my supervisor decided to "throw me right in." I was to offer the parents on the program's wait-list short term services: anything from a ride to a doctor's appointment, to walking them through the steps to get an internship/job experience. I was eager, and dove right in. I began internship processes with two girls. I drove them both to interviews; they were accepted and the paperwork began... But the paperwork came to a screeching halt because I had neglected to check one thing: I failed to check if they had government photo identification. My clients didn't, and therefore we had to stop the internship process and start the process of getting a state ID card. This hadn't even crossed my mind: that someone might not have a photo ID. Something I had had for 5 years at that point. These girls were my age, some even older, but their lives were very different. This was one of the most meaningful lessons in privilege I have received. Something I had so easily taken for granted: a photo ID. 

When I was a little girl, my parents' polling place was my elementary school. My mother also worked at the same school. She would come into my classroom, and sweep me away for five minutes so I could go with her to vote. Sometimes (I'm not sure if this is legal or not, so I hope I don't get my mom arrested or something), she would even let me pull the levers and push the buttons for the candidates she wanted to vote for. This was always valuable to me. I loved voting and what it stood for. I loved the smell of the auditorium. I loved seeing the people lined up. I loved that crisp sense that only comes with the possibility of change that comes on Election Day. I loved standing on my tip-toes to see the names lined up on the ballot, each representing a hopeful candidate or proposition that would bring a fresh point of view to our government.

In 1920, white women won the right to vote. This will always be a meaningful victory in history, and I am so grateful and am proud to be able to fill out my ballot tomorrow. I am excited. Many women fought for years to earn the right to vote, and I am honored to join their ranks as a voting member of society. With the passing of the 19th amendment, white women were no longer fined (or jailed) if they tried to vote, or fought for the cause. Most could get to their polling places with ease and cast their vote, proudly. Black women, however, weren't able to as easily. It was a victory for the white, middle class woman. It wasn't until well into the 1960s that voting became mostly uninhibited for black people. Some still want to make it difficult again today for people like the clients I told you about above with Voter ID laws. This would force people to have to pay to vote (it costs money to get a photo ID... I hardly realized that because my parents paid for mine). That is not right.

Another time I had to reflect on my privilege during the summer of 2013, was during a day long conference on poverty. The speaker gave the example of a mother who lives in poverty that needs to do laundry. I'm going to try to recreate the example for you: This is a mother of two who lives in an apartment with her children. She works during the week, so the only time she has for laundry is the weekend. She can't afford childcare on the weekend because she needs it during the week, so she has to coordinate how to take her children to the laundromat with her. This means she needs to push a stroller, walk with a child, and carry laundry to the laundromat. Feasibly, she can only carry 1, maybe 2 loads of laundry, so this means she either has to do the whole process (most likely 3-4 hours) twice in one weekend, or choose what she washes carefully. I had never thought about how a task like laundry (which I hate with a passion, but is generally easy for me to do), could be so difficult. As I was reflecting on voting in this election, the story of this mother struck me. It must be difficult for some people to take the time out of their day to vote, let alone find their polling location, coordinate transportation, decide whether or not to take their children with them, and learn about the issues. 

I guess I am saying all of this because as I learn more about our society and our world, I become increasingly aware of my privilege in it. I believe that when we are aware of our privileges, we have the responsibility to both educate others who don't see their privilege, and to speak/act out against injustice (which is really based in allowing those in the margins to tell their stories). I am still searching for ways to do that in my life. But, I do know that voting is still a privilege. Yes, it is technically a right in our country, but until we are all equally able to vote, it will be a privilege. The way getting a photo ID is, the way doing laundry is, the way knowing you are probably safe around a police officer is, the way clean drinking water is.

I am so excited to vote tomorrow, which is why I am making Election Day choices not only for myself, but for others who most likely can't, and I encourage you all to do the same!!!

A Word on Your Profile Picture

When terror attacks happen like the one in Paris on Friday, we all long for community. We long to be close and to be together. People feel feelings they never knew they had for people they have never met. We feel broken.
I know these things because I feel them too. We all feel a little closer, a little more humbled, and a little more heartbroken. I hate that it's true, but this act has truly instilled terror in us. The victims in Paris that evening were at a concert, they were out for dinner, they were out for walks. They were living life... Things we do every day. They made us realize, again, just how easily something like this could happen to us. And that is terror.

I'm struggling to put these feelings into words because no one talks about these feelings. When terrorism happens, people talk about "those people." We talk about the victims, we talk about their families, but no one talks about the global bystanders. And in some ways, that is okay. I would never want to say how we are feeling is more important, more awful than the direct victims. But when a terror attack happens, we are all victims. We're all trying to reconcile the fact that this act happened in a world that we live in. All I'm trying to say (in this part) is that the sadness, the vulnerability, the numbness is okay.

I wish media was fair. I wish it gave the same attention it's giving to France to Syria, to Beirut, to all the hurting places in the world. I wish we could be completely aware of things going on in the world so that we can have the appropriate reactions to all these hurtful things. I hate that I have to let media decide what shows up on my news feed (If I read the newspaper daily, I think I'd have a better idea of what was going on in the world, I want to be upfront about that).

Anyways, here's where this is going: I want to mourn life. Human life lost is a tragedy. I want to wrap my arms around the world and hug it so tight that everything falls back into place. I want to dry tears and make lasagna for victims' families. I am a fixer. And this situation is something I can't fix. I think that's how a lot of us feel. And so we do the next best thing: we post. We reach out...but only kind of. We change our profile pictures because it's something small that says we're hurting and that we stand with France. But I'm not convinced that's the best strategy.

I believe we need to have open conversations. We need to tell people we're hurting and scared and tired of this happening over and over. We need to plead the media to tell us all the stories. We need to stand in solidarity, but in solidarity with all. Not just the white people. Not just the developed nations. We need to speak up against crimes against all people.

Changing your profile picture is a coping strategy. I completely understand that. It's a way of saying "I'm sad and hurt and angry and I stand with you, France." But please take it further. Stand for our hurting world because there are too many things that are against humanity right now. Bake a lasagna, hug your loved ones, be informed but not terrified, put a smile on a child's face and be good to each other; tell people how you're feeling. It's not bombing the perpetrators, I know, but these are the most effective, practical strategies I can think of in a world where we don't have very many options as civilian people.

I'm sad, and hurt and confused about the things happening on this earth. And chances are you are too. There is evil out there, and who knows what today may hold. So the best responses I can think of are kindness, and humor, and compassion, and open, informed conversations.

Neighbor Grandparents

They loved deeply. Slowly. Steadily. They were always there. They were constant. Steadfast. Friendly & funny.

They loved consistently:
Always there to open the door for a small scared girl who left her key.
Always there for a driveway bike ride loop.
A king sized candy bar on Halloween for a few special kids.
A blue light on the front porch for a neighbor friend.
Sitting in the living room watching TV, reading a book, always there to reassure peeking neighbors that they always had someone to turn to.

And when one wasn't, the other walking by on a daily trip to the cemetery for a visit.

My neighbor grandparents, who weren't my grandparents, but were. Neighbors who were always there for graduation parties and weddings. Musicals and life events. And the small things. Bike rides, Halloween, Christmas cookies. Always quiet, consistent reassuring. Never second-guessed.

On Achieving Your Goals

These few weeks have been full of good things: visiting camp, spending time with friends (old and new), and most excitingly crossing things off of my 25 Things Before 25 List. For some reason, this list was oddly emotional to make. I always felt like making goals was just setting myself up to not finish them, and so I never wanted to make goals because I didn't want to disappoint myself even more. The list making started off as a light-hearted thing among friends, but as I was sitting there, I couldn't think of things that I wanted, but also didn't want to allow myself to be disappointed about. Then I realized these goals, this list, was a gift I was giving myself. I was giving myself 25 adventures to enjoy. And if I didn't make it, it didn't matter because I simply was giving myself the opportunity.

At first, I wasn't sure why this list was cause for such emotion, but I figured it out....

Anyways! I'm beginning to cross things off, and that is so exciting. So far I have:

1. I've been on Weight Watchers for 1 month.
2. I've read 2 books.
3. I got to the top of my tree climbing rope at camp!!
4. I went camping with friends.

So really, I've crossed two things off, and I'm partly done with the first two listed.

Now a word about the success of my list:

I never thought I would get to the top of my tree climbing rope. I put this on my list thinking I'd get it done at the very end of the 2 years before 25. This means that I pulled myself up about 30 feet into a tree. It was incredible. I wanted to quit a few times, but my friends wouldn't let me (quite frankly I would have quit without them). I think this happened for a reason. That was the hardest thing on the list in my eyes, except for maybe staying on Weight Watchers. The rest of the list is cake (okay, maybe reading 100 books will be more difficult than I bargained for... But if I make it to 55, I'll be happy). Now that I've done that, I know I can do any of the other things.

I have always been a big advocate for goal-setting, but not the best goal setter myself because of reasons listed above. I was scared of disappointment. I was too hard on myself. If this is you, listen to me: if you set goals, you are not allowed to beat yourself up if you try hard and don't reach your goals. If you work your butt off, give it your all, and still fall short, get back up and try again. Feel defeated for only a moment, get up, dust yourself off, and try harder. See your goals as a gift to get yourself motivated, not a beacon of disappointment. You should only be disappointed if you don't give all you've got, and even then, you should still get back up and try again. Learn from your mistakes.

But overall, be kind to yourself. You goals are there to make you a better you. Let them do that!

Sometimes legislature is easier to advocate for than a person.

I've been reading and seeing so many things that have just saddened me lately:
People being torn down by people who have never been (and never will be) in their situations.
People who don't know that they are severely loved by a God who will never leave them.
"Christians" who are more interested in telling others they're wrong rather than loving them as Christ loved the Church.
The same Christians who dare to judge a speck in someone else's eye before taking the plank out of their own.
People of God not daring to look into someone life and situation and understand where that person is.
People hating others who are trying to do the same things we're all doing (live our lives) before loving them, growing them, speaking God's love to them.


This is a response to many things, but most recently the controversy around abortion. I am heartbroken that the words "pro-life" get thrown around by people only talking about one thing.

Yes, we should be concerned about abortion, but we should also be concerned about other life issues like:

Supporting the women and couples before they get pregnant with education, finances, prayer, love, community.
Supporting the women who have chosen abortion because many of them struggle to do life normally afterward.
Supporting the women who chose not to have an abortion, but sometimes wonder if they should have because they are struggling financially to keep their kid alive.


I'm talking about love. All too often, people (Christians, I'm looking at you) get caught up in policies and government and macro level things and we forget about the people they will effect. We forget that Jesus spent so much of his time with people who were hated in their society.

I'm saying we should all spend a whole lot more time with those people our opinions effect and understand their lives. We should be the first ones offering them help, not calling them wicked and Satanic and judging them for seeking someone who will understand (I'm looking at you, Matt Walsh).

The next time you say something about abortion, please please dare to spend time with someone who has had one or who has chosen not to have one. It's all too easy to look at this mass of people and label them as child murderers, baby killers, and anti-life. Because it's a defense mechanism. It's easy-- meaning it's easy on our hearts. It's much more difficult to realize that the issue is not black and white. There are millions of people involved, born and unborn. But please don't forget that each of them has a story. Each of them has a purpose and each of them is dearly loved by God and it's our job to make sure they know that, no matter what their choices are!!!

Yes, we as Christians are called to share the Truth, but the greatest commandment is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important commandment. The second is like it: Love you neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:37-40).

How dare we act as though we know what's going on in someone's life at a moment of desperation?
How dare we put laws and bills and legislature above loving a person?
How dare we fail to reach out to these people before they even get pregnant?
How dare we fail to be a part of healing after a traumatic event like an abortion?


For those of you who think that ending abortion will be the end of pro-life issues, what about the death penalty? What about providing families with extra assistance? What about poverty? What about world hunger? Don't you dare point your finger at someone else before you do what you can to address these equally pro-life issues. Please advocate for good politicians and legislature. But more importantly, advocate for the people who God calls us to love.

25 Before 25

A few weeks ago, I was spending time with some friends and we were talking about how another friend of ours made a list of 25 things to do before 25. We thought this was a great idea and set out to make our own versions of our lists. Some were 25 before 25, or 30 before 30... Some of us have long amounts of time, while others just have a few months to complete our lists.

We all got a piece of paper and something to write with and began writing. I wrote one thing down, and started on another one, and realized I couldn't think of anything else. I'd have an idea, and then not write it down because it felt unattainable. I didn't want to disappoint myself by not doing it.

I had a few things on my list, and gave up. But I've spent some more time thinking about it, and I do have a few things I'd like to do before I'm 25. So, without further ado, here's my 25 before 25 list:

1) Get a dog
2) Feel more settled (have my own place where I intend on being for longer than a year)
3) Be on Weight Watchers for at least 6 straight months (and hopefully longer after that).
4) Go to Maine
5) Get a tattoo
6) Go on a road trip
7) Climb a high peak
8) Vote (To be real honest, I haven't voted, and that's really extremely sad and embarrassing)
9) Stick to a budget for more than a month
10) Read 100 books
11) Get to the top of a tree climbing rope at camp
12) Finish my Harry Potter sweater (finally)
13) Go on a date
14) Take a month off of social media/smart phone
15) Decide if I want braces, get them if I do
16) RUN a 5k
17) Host a classy party (Hopefully a Christmassy one so I can wear my cute sweater dress)
18) Make a quilt
19) Get connected/involved in a church
20) Go to NYC and enjoy it (last time I went I stayed in my hotel room and read "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (and Other Concerns)" Which is ironic because yes, yes they were).
21) Buy a nice pair of professional shoes that I can wear often (without worrying about the price).
22) Go on a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic trip to somewhere far away.
23) Learn how to cook one dish (rather than baking... I love baking but cooking... not so much).
24) Go on a camping trip with friends
25) Go on a canoe/kayak trip


I tried to put things down so that I could cross them off definitively. Instead of putting things like "get better at blah blah," I tried to put more specific things down. Hopefully I can get them done, but if I don't, I've decided I'll still love myself no matter what... Because this list is not the end of the world, and I made it to challenge myself to have fun and to make the most of life.

Spring

11.

11 is the number of weeks I need to wait until I'm at camp for 7 weeks of fun, Jesus, friends and adventure. You may think this is coming from no where, but I think the number 11 is perfectly placed here at Easter. 11 is a nice number. A doable number.

It's been a really tough winter. I've been feeling so misplaced this winter. I've been treading water, trying to keep my head above the waves of seasonal depression, and just honestly feeling worn down. It's been a long time since I felt in the right place, at home, settled.

This week, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the cross, and what that means for us. When Jesus was hanging there on that cross, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, literally, he said "It is finished." He did this incredible act of sacrifice so we could live in grace. That means we don't need to worry about sin, we are free to live without it. We need not feel guilty, for he has overcome the world. He beat death by being resurrected three days later.

I think sometimes we just think about the resurrection at church, while we're listening to the familiar Easter story. But I also think there are real life resurrection stories that God puts in our lives to illustrated the raw contrast between death and life. This spring is that for me. New life contrasting a cold and dark winter. Sun shining warm on my skin; my cells soaking up each ray. New friends who are sweet as a kiss on the cheek. New opportunities that are exciting and wonderful and that remind me of who I am and all that I am capable of (with Him). All this after a winter of just trying to get by.

And all of these sweet blessing are because of a Savior who bled and died and rose again to conquer the grave to give grace to sinners.

7 reasons you should work at a camp this summer... Instead of getting an internship

It's no secret that I'm an advocate for camp. I believe that everyone as a kid should get the chance to spend a week at camp once a summer. They deserve to be out in nature, away from technology, enjoying independence, getting a little (or a lot) dirty. They just deserve it. But I also believe that every young adult (or any adult really) owes it to themselves to work at a camp. This belief means that I have this knee-jerk reaction to roll my eyes when I approach someone about working at camp and they say "No... I'm going to get an internship this summer." What they don't realize, is working at a camp is just as valuable as an internship (And I would argue it's more valuable). Here's why.

1) When you work at a Christian camp, you are investing in eternity. You're helping kids grow in their faith. That is so incredibly important and an awesome experience to have.

2) You're making lifelong friends with the people you work with. One summer can gain you friends who will challenge you, love you unconditionally (because they've probably seen you at your worst at camp... But they've also seen you at your best), and they will support you through anything.

3) Employers love it. I can't tell you how many interviews I've had where people brought up my camp experience because it was listed on my resume. They're impressed with the responsibility I was entrusted with for a whole summer. Also, you can get experience in a wide range of things that said employers may love. For example, at CCWNY, we always need people to help with publicity, help in the office, help with our brochure, be lifeguards, help in the kitchen... There are endless possibilities. Any job can be involved and you can get that experience at camp.


4) Money. I know it's odd to bring up because camps don't necessarily pay a ton... But when you think about the money you'd get working an unpaid internship... Money.


5) NATURE- You get to spend your summer outside. Not stuffed up in an office. Get dirt on your hands, not papercuts!!!! --Except I can't promise you won't get papercuts...


6) You only have limited time for this experience. Trust me, you don't want to let your college years go by without taking advantage of your summers off by going to camp!! You have the rest of your life to work in an office... You may only have these four summers to work at camp.


7) Skills- There are so many skills you can only learn through living and working and teaching with people for a whole summer. You learn so much about different personalities and people that will carry with you through the rest of your life. These lessons and skills have been so important to who I've become and I use them everyday.




8) Bonus reason: You get to wear crazy outfits almost everyday.

If you're looking for a camp to work at this summer, let me know!!!!! :)

Living is a lot Like Making Horcruxes... Except the Killing Part.

As I sit here in my apartment, candles burning, and only a few lights on, I'm thinking about life. And what 2014 taught me, and what I want 2015 to teach me. The past 5 years have been an uncertain time for me. I've left my heart in so many places. Lately, I've been thinking about how that's what it means to live life fully... Loving people and places so much that when you leave, it hurts. That's a sign that you're doing things right. I've left more places than I care to share... Because I had to do "what's best," or because my time was simply up there. But every time feels the same... Like I want more time with the people I fell in love with at that spot.... And I guess I've just come to be grateful that I've had experiences that I'm sad to leave, as opposed to experiences that I can't wait to get out of.

There are little places of my heart all over, and I'm happy and sad about that.
There's a piece in a little pre-school classroom in Webster where I worked for a month.
There's a piece of my heart Hogar de Vida in Guatemala, and specifically with a little boy named Oscar.
There's a piece of my heart at a private school in Rochester with a group of kids who love to learn, laugh, and play. They're creative and feisty and hilarious.
There's a piece of my heart with the volunteers at the Red Cross that I had to leave because of organizational problems.
There's a piece of my heart at a little house on Main St. in Marion where I learned some of life's toughest lessons, and where did most of my growing up.
There's also a piece down the music hallway in Marion High School where I learned to deal with those lessons through crying, laughing, singing, dancing, and playing.
There's a piece in North Chili where I read books, drank coffee, worked hard, and played harder through three years of college.
And a huge chunk of my heart is in Hunt, NY on a 125 acre plot of land on Short Tract Road that most people call Camp Cherith, but I call home.

I'm so thankful for each and every one of these experiences, and in some ways, 2014 felt like a year of leaving: of being ripped from places that I felt deep roots in. But it was also a year of hope, of new beginnings, new friends, and love. I'm learning to appreciate the fact that we can have good experiences, and move on... It's a hard process of leaving and learning new rules, but it's a good one.

So here's to 2015: a year of appreciating what I have before I have the chance to miss it.

How has God been good to you?

Every Thanksgiving, my family has a little Thanksgiving "service." It's a time to reflect on the meaning of Thanksgiving, and occasionally we do the traditional "go around the table and say what you're thankful for." This year, my beautiful sisters lead the service;  Jessa lead us in worship, and Dannis lead us in our reflection. The reflection was simple. She read us Psalm 116 and asked us to reflect specifically on how God has been good to you in the year 2014.

Psalm 116:7 says "Return to your rest, oh soul, for the Lord has been good to you."

Well. This kind of rocked my world, to be honest. This year has been really tough. In fact, a year ago was probably one of the toughest times in my life. I was going through a lot, making a lot of hard choices, working a job that I really didn't like, feeling like I didn't really have much meaning. But God was good to me.

He gave me a different job, which would open so many doors. 

He provided a way for me to be at camp all summer.

He directed me away from grad school, and offered so many other things.

But in those moments, it wasn't always that easy. I was left feeling bounced around; like a nomad. Every time I thought something was going to be permanent, it changed. And to be honest, it still is changing. I haven't had two similar weeks since August, I think, when I was unemployed. Just when I'd get settled, BOOM, something would come along that totally knocked my socks off. I started feeling like this meant that maybe God was feeling a little disorganized or something, or that maybe He just kinda forgot a little about me.

But when Dannis read Psalm 116, it clicked, and brought tears to my eyes. All along, all these steps, He's preparing His dream in my heart. All these different phases this year have lead me to something bigger, and I've appreciated each one. 

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
    he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
    I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me!”

5 The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.

7 Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.

8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,
    “I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
    “Everyone is a liar.”

12 What shall I return to the Lord
    for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
    and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
    is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
    I serve you just as my mother did;
    you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
    and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
    in your midst, Jerusalem.

God has never left you. He enjoys providing for you. Things that may not seem like a blessing, are the biggest blessings that you didn't even know how to ask for because you didn't think you needed them. Let your soul relax, for He has been good to you.

Why the word "No" isn't always the end to your dreams

This week should be my second week of grad school. Right now, I should be doing homework, reading, or getting ready to begin my internship (despite having a horrible cold). Needless to say, I should be in student mentality again, like I thought I would be right now.
However, I'm not. And here's why: On Thursday, I decided to discontinue grad school. I sat down and had a really difficult conversation with my dad about my financial situation and decided that grad school wouldn't be the smartest thing for me to do.
Before I made this decision, I believed that I would go get my masters, and then work in ministry for the rest of my life. Until I had this conversation, I thought that was possible. But grad school (at least at SU) would put me into serious debt, and I would need a really great Social Work job to pay for it. So I said no.

At first, I felt like this was exactly contrary to my dreams. I felt like I needed this education in order to do what I feel called to. But the letters MSW at the end of my name are nothing compared to God going before me. I can have all the education in the world, but if I don't let God accomplish what He wants to accomplish in me, then nothing will get done.

The day I made this decision, I felt really embarrassed. I couldn't imagine telling people that last minute I decided not to do grad school. I thought people would think it was because I felt overwhelmed with the work, or that I wasn't up for school again; that I was chickening out. But that's the exact opposite of how I feel now. If anything, I feel like I am empowered to continue my education. I hope to look at other programs that aren't as expensive. Before getting into SU, I never in a million years thought I'd go to grad school. But after attending a few classes there, I know I am prepared. When it is a financially wise decision for me, I will be there.

And how crazy is it that over the summer I decided to live at home and commute to Syracuse! Was that God's protection or what?

So, in the end, here's the biggest thing I've learned: Saying "no" to something you think you aren't qualified without is okay. It doesn't mean your dreams are over... It may mean they're being fast-tracked. Also, you don't have to be embarrassed to tell people you made a smart, wise, financially-sound decision.


I'm going to close with this: the morning of my big decision, I woke up with this verse in my brain: "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). That morning I felt like I was falling apart... That I finally had a plan for my life, and now it was quickly crumbling apart. But now I know that my "plans" are being held together by The One who is before all things. And thank goodness He goes before us!

Two Types of People in the World

I've been away from my blog for a while, and for that I apologize (not that any of you feel offended by this absence...). But for what this blog post is going to contain, I just can't apologize for.

Throughout my life, I have developed a theory about people and how they see the world, how they see why the world was created, why we exist on it, why others come into their lives, why they experience things, etc. I've come to know that there are two types of people.

The first are people who see the world only through their eyes. It is somehow ingrained deeply in who they are that they are the only ones who actually exist- that the world was created simply for them to live their lives. That people outside their circles exist, but only to make up statistics that may or may not effect this individual. Please, please, don't get me wrong. Sometimes these people are so nice, and they are pleasant and wonderful. But sometimes, you may be burned by them- and badly.

The second type of person sees that there are billions of people thinking billions of thoughts, each with billions of different circles. This type sees that the world is large, but still believes that somehow, they were put here for a purpose. Being one of these people, it can get discouraging, this big earth, but this type of person also believes that God has orchestrated this large planet with all these beautiful people for a reason and that we get to be one tiny little blip on this massive chart, each with our own poetic story.

Sometimes the second type can fall into believing those beliefs of the first type. This can be so confusing and frankly disappointing when we realize that no, God didn't simply create the whole world for us.

I hope I'm not coming on too strong, or saying this hurtfully. It's simply how I have come to learn what people believe. And honestly, the word "believe" is almost too light for what I'm trying to describe to you. 

Also please know that I don't think the first type can't change, that they can't someday come to realize that all the 7.165 billion people on this planet have thoughts and lives outside their own. I think that's completely possible.

But what's funny about this whole thing is that while you may think I identify with only the second type, I am somewhat first typed.... I realized that this week when I was with my grandma. I realized that to me, I don't realize that she has lives outside of when I'm there, or the stories I hear from my aunt, cousin, and mother. She lives in her house everyday. Spends most of her time alone, in her small house that's filled with things that remind her that her house wasn't always empty. I can't get over the fact that I somehow convinced myself that she doesn't spend the same amount of time I do, just simply living.... and that's the way some people see every single person they've never met.


I'm sure this sounds like such random rambling... But let me leave you with this reminder: There are approximately 7.165 BILLION people on this Earth. That means that there are 7.165 billion people breathing right now. There are 7.165 billion people and this earth was created for them just as much as it was created for you, for me. There are 7.165 billion people on this planet we call home and God knows and loves each one of them and waits for the day that they cry out to Him so that He can come to their rescue. 

I hope we never ever again believe that we're alone.

All In!

Here's something I wrote last spring:

"About a month ago, I spent a week with my camp mom and dad. They are always inspiring me in ways they don't even know, and I love getting to spend time with them. Most of our time was spent doing work for camp, and it was great! This summer, I'm going to be the assistant director at Camp Cherith. I am so excited to have this new experience.... But also a little nervous. I'm nervous that I won't get enough time with the kids. I'm nervous that I won't be sufficient for the job. I'm nervous that I'm going to get too tired...

But as I write this, there's one word that's echoing through my heart and mind: trust. Trust that God called me here for a reason. Trust that the camp board & director didn't hire me for just any reason. Trust that God will give me the strength for this summer. Trust that He can do it.

I'm reading the book All In by Mark Batterson (it's the book we're going to be using during our staff Bible study this summer). It's a great book... But something definitely stuck out the other day "If Jesus hung on His cross, we can certainly carry ours! It's our highest privilege and greatest responsibility. Anything less than the complete surrender of our lives to the lordship of Jesus Christ is robbing God of the glory He demands and deserves. It's also cheating ourselves our of the eternal reward God has reserved for us."

Long story short: I'm along for the ride. I have decided to be "All In." I don't know where it's going to go. I'm trusting, following, and trying my hardest to enjoy the ride. There have been so many changes in my life lately, but the underlying theme has been trust (Maybe He's trying to tell me something). He has the details. He has given me so much... He's given me everything! And the least I can do is give Him my life.

All this to say, I've realized that worrying is safe. Trusting Him is scary, at first, but ultimately the best thing for us."

Worrying is safe. Trusting Him is scary. How true... From last spring to right now (6months) these words are still ringing through my life!! We are continually being asked to trust Him with everything. 

I've been going to Young Life leadership meetings (I've been considering becoming a leader). Last night we studied the Rich Young Ruler in Mark 10, and how he followed all the commandments, but the idea of going "all in" with Jesus scared him. It disappointed him, he turned away disheartened. My prayer is that I continually see what an honor it is to go all in for the king of the universe, and that the price tag never seems too high. 

This has especially been working in my life as I decided to not go to grad school. I chose to honor God with my finances, and now I've been trusting Him in my job search. I went in to it thinking "if I get a full time job, I will go with it, because I know that's where God has lead." But instead He's been piecing together different part time things (which I hope means camp next summer.... And the next summer, and the next summer, and... Well you get the idea) :)

But the point is that I have to be willing to give everything, sell all my possessions, give to the poor, be willing to give up my dreams (even grad school and camp). We can find hope in the fact that if we delight ourselves in The Lord, he will give us the desires of our heart. Because if we are delighting ourselves in The Lord, our desires will be His desires.

I hope this is encouraging to you, and if my story isn't enough, look back at your life: where has God been faithful? (maybe an easier question us where HASNT He been faithful... Never!) be encouraged by the times God has triumphed through you, Despite you. This summer is a huge milestone in my life, especially to think back and see that I had the doubts mentioned above. But God reigns through our doubts and our trust issues! How awesome. 

New, Exciting Things!!

SO many crazy, exciting things have been going on in my life, and I am just so excited about all of them.

The first (and most obvious) is that my blog has a new design! My wonderful friend Sara made me the design and set it all up. She does wonderful work, and I would highly recommend her for anything design. Her blog (where you can find her contact info for design work) is Here. And while you're there, you should read her blog, because she's really awesome. :)  So Sara and I (but mostly Sara) have been working on that, so that's part of the reason that I haven't posted... I wanted my next post to be the big release of my new blog design (which I love sooooo much) Thank you, Sara!

But I've also been pretty busy outside that.... Between working part time for camp, saving time for friends, and making random trips out to Springville (south of Buffalo) to see my Grandma and family, I've been busy! But all good things, of course.... The most exciting thing of all is that I've officially applied to grad school. I have applied to Syracuse University's Masters of Social Work program.

Are you surprised? Cause I am! I was not expecting to go back to school this soon, but one day I just decided to look at schools, because I thought I was going to move to Buffalo. But none of the programs in Buffalo were exactly what I was looking for... I then thought to myself "I think Syracuse has a program." It turns out they do! They have a wonderful program, with a concentration that is exactly what I want (Community organization, planning, policy, and administration). So I applied! And I'll find out in May (hopefully). I'm so looking forward to the possibility of a new city, new people, lots of new things! And I'm actually looking forward to learning again, believe it or not!

I'm also taking a few trips within the next few weeks. I leave for Chicago tomorrow. Jessa and I are visiting Dannis in the windy city! And then after Easter, I'm taking a road trip down to Maryland to visit some friends, and my lovely camp mom and dad.

So I guess the whole point of this blog post is just to point out that God is creating new things. And this is the season for it! I am realizing how much "resurrecting" God's been doing in my life since this fall... It's been a tough road, but I've been so blessed through this year, and I am so thankful that God is the creator of all things beautiful. He gives us hope, joy, and so many different opportunities. He really does make beautiful things out of dust.

Also, I don't know why I'm just realizing it, but isn't it so cool that Passover and Easter are this week? Jewish people are celebrating being set free 3,000 years ago, while Christians are also celebrating freedom from sin. Coincidence? I don't think so. I'm so thankful for freedom in Jesus!

Camp: why do I do it?

A lot of times, I am asked "why do I do it?" when I tell someone about my job at Camp Cherith... This question also comes when I tell them how much I get paid for the amount of work I do over the summer (which isn't much, but it's more compared to other camps). I love camp. Please PLEASE don't get me wrong. But every once in a while, I ask myself why I do it too. Like when I get a full time job offer, but have that feeling in the back of my mind saying "don't take it" because I'd have to miss the summer at camp. Or when I get home after a full summer at camp and all I want to do is sleep for a week....

 

Last night though, I got the clear answer. I was facilitating a camp night with my friend Alicia at a church outside of Buffalo with about 40 girls. And I realized that I loved spending time with them. Each of them. I loved the fact that they were there, at church on a school night instead of being God knows where else. I loved watching them react to when we bursted into song in the middle of telling them about the camp schedule.

 

Two summers ago, I was a Division Director (basically the counselor to the counselors) with two of my favorite people ever. 

My best friend and I shared an area that we affectionately call "the Cubby." The Cubby has basically enough space for two beds with a foot of floorspace between them (for some reason when we tell people about the Cubby, they can't understand why it was so magical).

Every night before we went to bed, we'd hold hands and say to each other "we have the best life" (right after we'd say "good-night" to our poster of Lil Wayne... but that's besides the point). Every morning when we'd wake up, at 6:30 in the morning (to Ke$ha's Dinosaur-- D-I-N-O-S-A-UR a dinosaur....) we'd say to each other "we have the worst life." That summer brought the three of us so many laughs, memories, joyous occasions, and tons of fun. But it also brought us a lot of heartache, many tears, and so very many desperate prayers and shouts to God.  We really did have the best and worst life that summer. We saw campers who had grown up coming to camp that had become hardened by the world. We saw them grapple with such important issues of faith, identity, love, and growing up. But we also were able to see and help them grow. We were able to cry with them, pray with them, love, encourage, and teach them. We could laugh, joke, and act like children with them.  We were able to meet them where they were at, let them know that it does get better, and that they're on the right path. We were able to show them the joy that is to know Jesus.

 

Sometimes, I think back on the tougher times of that summer and think "why did I do that? why did I allow myself to get that worn out and exhausted?" Or I think about my current life choices (driving to and from Buffalo in the middle of the week), and ask myself "what was I thinking when I agreed to this?" But last night I was reminded that it's so not about me. It's not about the staff at camp. It's about showing girls (and boys) that they don't have to be what society tells them they have to be. It's about reminding and teaching them that there is a God who created them, loves them, redeemed them, and can't wait to have a relationship with them. Hope in Jesus Christ, that's why I do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always an Adventure: Food Edition

I've been so busy lately which is why my blog has been pretty quiet lately. there have been a lot of changes in my life lately, some of which I’m ready to tell you, and some of which I’m going to keep a surprise for a little bit longer (I’m not pregnant, engaged, in a relationship, or leaving the country-for an extended amount of time… don’t worry. They’re not that big). But I’m going to start off with dedicating this post to telling you about my adventures with food lately.

Over the past month or so, I’ve been completely gluten-free. I’ve been sort of basing this off of The Wheat Belly books, but not quite as intense as his books say. I still eat corn/corn chips/tortillas, even though he says they’re a no. Oh well. Can’t give up my chips and salsa. I’ve also been eating more sugar than he’d say was okay, probably… He tells people to use Stevia which is a fake sweetener, and I’m not 100% sold on that. BUT I’ve been eating no gluten, and when we (my parents are doing it too) bake we use mostly things like coconut flour instead of rice flour or starches, which usually a gluten-free person would eat. I haven’t been eating many processed foods (things like granola bars, things in packages, etc). And when I do, they’re gluten free.

Why you may ask have I given up my gluten-full lifestyle? For a long time I’ve wanted to try going gluten free. I’ve wanted to try it out and see what the hype was. But I’ve also wanted to try eating “clean.” Cutting out processed foods, and only eating those things that I know haven’t been very contaminated by all the crazy things that I’m sure happen in our food industry. So, my parents did it for about two weeks before I was convinced. And then I just did it. I jumped in with only a day’s notice and just went cold turkey. It was insane. And that first week was awful. I felt terrible. I felt like I did when I had to give up caffeine for a class for 40 days(yeah. That was absolutely awful). And I couldn’t believe that I had let these foods have such a grip on my life. I felt like an addict, and that’s pretty much what I was.  But anyways, one of the major reasons I decided on going gluten free was because of my stomach issues. For the past three and a half years, I’ve had awful stomach problems. Cramping, heartburn, acid reflux, erm… bathroom issues, etc. During college, I attributed it to stress, coffee intake, and too many Taco Bell runs (which all could have contributed). But when I graduated and was no longer under as much stress, had cut down on my coffee/caffeine intake, and had no money to go to Taco Bell (yes, I am poorer now than I was in college), I realized that I had a problem. I needed to do something! So I took the plunge.AND I FEEL GREAT. I haven’t had heartburn since starting, which I’m not surprised about. I’ve had no cramping, and I just overall feel great. I have more energy, and I don’t feel like I’m always wanting food.

Some of you, who know how much I love to bake may be surprised. But I still love to bake. And now I get to make up my own recipes- which is totally fun, and terrifying at the same time (it’s like I’m a real baker or something).

Like for example, I made these awesome Shrek cupcakes for Jessa’s musical friends, and they were totally gluten-free. And adorable. :) So don’t worry. I’m still baking. And I still bake things that aren’t gluten free too, even though it means that I’m not licking the spoon (yes, I do have the will power to not lick the spoon… usually).