This week should be my second week of grad school. Right now, I should be doing homework, reading, or getting ready to begin my internship (despite having a horrible cold). Needless to say, I should be in student mentality again, like I thought I would be right now.
However, I'm not. And here's why: On Thursday, I decided to discontinue grad school. I sat down and had a really difficult conversation with my dad about my financial situation and decided that grad school wouldn't be the smartest thing for me to do.
Before I made this decision, I believed that I would go get my masters, and then work in ministry for the rest of my life. Until I had this conversation, I thought that was possible. But grad school (at least at SU) would put me into serious debt, and I would need a really great Social Work job to pay for it. So I said no.
At first, I felt like this was exactly contrary to my dreams. I felt like I needed this education in order to do what I feel called to. But the letters MSW at the end of my name are nothing compared to God going before me. I can have all the education in the world, but if I don't let God accomplish what He wants to accomplish in me, then nothing will get done.
The day I made this decision, I felt really embarrassed. I couldn't imagine telling people that last minute I decided not to do grad school. I thought people would think it was because I felt overwhelmed with the work, or that I wasn't up for school again; that I was chickening out. But that's the exact opposite of how I feel now. If anything, I feel like I am empowered to continue my education. I hope to look at other programs that aren't as expensive. Before getting into SU, I never in a million years thought I'd go to grad school. But after attending a few classes there, I know I am prepared. When it is a financially wise decision for me, I will be there.
And how crazy is it that over the summer I decided to live at home and commute to Syracuse! Was that God's protection or what?
So, in the end, here's the biggest thing I've learned: Saying "no" to something you think you aren't qualified without is okay. It doesn't mean your dreams are over... It may mean they're being fast-tracked. Also, you don't have to be embarrassed to tell people you made a smart, wise, financially-sound decision.
I'm going to close with this: the morning of my big decision, I woke up with this verse in my brain: "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). That morning I felt like I was falling apart... That I finally had a plan for my life, and now it was quickly crumbling apart. But now I know that my "plans" are being held together by The One who is before all things. And thank goodness He goes before us!
